Here it is Christmas 2014. By my count, I’ve lived here in the house of Al for 9 months now. Its been an interesting set of months after years of living unhappily for almost 5 years. It almost felt like some kind of sentence was passed that I had yet another thing to live through after being in Chennai for almost an entire year in 2009. I lived through the time in India quite happily.
Now its the first Xmas with my own bubble. My own room. My own internet. My cable and my work which leaves me quite happy most of the time. I make just enough money to have a good life and I’m extremely thankful as I look back from this Christmas to have what I have and not have that home any longer.
I spent some time this holiday considering the good things in my life. Perhaps you can gain some insight in your life by the things which I have found:
- You cannot live your life for someone else. You simply cannot fit in that person. There is not enough room and perhaps in some kind of Ayn Rand quote no should ask you to do it either. If a person you care about and one that cares about you suggests that you should become an altruistic blob, leave that immediately. It will not work.
- You cannot make another person happy unless you make yourself happy first. Its simply impossible to reach that zenith. There is no way to do it and if you think you can you’re a fool or you are laboring under a conception that we are put here to make others happy. You have to find happiness within yourself first. Other people are really demanding and they will change their happiness quotients as time goes by. Just forget it. It may sound selfish and self absorbing but I’m just speaking my truth here so take it or leave it.
- Relationships based on the idea of communication, discourse, honesty, truth may be the ones to fail first. We are just not good at communicating. That’s different than talking and we see so many failed things where the first thing called out is a communication issue. I call BS on that. You can say whatever you want to someone else but I think the other person rarely hears the things in the same manner you say them. Honesty and truth is subjective as well. I’ve told my kids that we are cut of imperfect clay and we will dissemble as often or even more often as we tell the truth. A person that says they value the truth above all else and will then commit adultery is the biggest and most profound liar of all. Its a hypocritical thing so take a good look at your relationships.
- Relationships are bartering things. You give so much and you get so much. If you are not getting and only giving its not a relationship. Its something else completely and if you go into it with eyes wide open, great.
- Divorces consume energy. At the rate we are going we will see more than 50% of first time marriages fail. Second marriage at an even higher rate will fail. Consider the energy that this uses up. The years lost. My friend Ed can testify that almost 7 years have gone by and what has been gained. I would aver that nothing was gained at all and that Ed was the biggest loser.
- Finally, if you think life is unfair, that its conspiring against you or is diabolical or evil; I hate to burst your bubble. Its supremely indifferent. It just does not care about your issues. Time does not heal all wounds either. None of these platitudes make any sense and we invent them to try in some absurd fashion to help others deal with events that travel across time and space and suddenly cause life disruption.
All of this points to a condition this December of happiness because I’ve realized a few things. I am not good marriage material. I am not a good person. I’m selfish, an introvert, and somewhat narcissistic. And those are my good traits. On the bad side, I’m vindictive, spiteful, and sometimes say mean and hurtful things. What all this really means, after 5 years of failed marriage and 20-some of marriage which was probably fucked up since it started but I was blind to the points above, I’ve realized that I am not good at the whole thing.
The rest of my miserable life will be spent pandering to my needs, making me happy, traveling where I want to go. Spending time with the two younger creatures I helped bring in to the world and a number of friends which seems trapped in completely different continents and timezones.
I would never ask you to measure your failures and successes by my condition. You could never understand mine as I am sure I cannot grok yours. Such is life. As the wise old man was wont to say,
fuck you if you can’t take a joke
And such its Christmas and I’m mean again and have not even done any drinking (yet). Its because I don’t really care any more for the holidays. I’m sorry for that but they were also a casualty. Now they are just time off from work.
Hopefully that drives the 2 or 3 readers of this blog away completely because I am an asshole of huge proportions. That’s fine too. I don’t write this thing for you.
Have a good holiday no matter what though. Enjoy it the way you think you should. Don’t believe anything I have just written if it does not feel good or fit. Clothing and shoes often don’t fit the other and thoughts are the same.
Take care and have fun. Sex is good too. I’ll just watch some porn now.